Camouflague

When Nobody Says Hello:
Why do these walls
look like toilet stalls?
Posters scream at me.
This room marinates in steel
and I feel trapped.
So I rap, steal-
I swear to feel alive
But still I'm invisible.

I don't know what she preaches.
Make it stop. I want no more.
Can I just go outside and enjoy the weather?
Sit alone in the breeze,
watch leaves grow on trees
and slump in my misery?

Get me out of here.

What I'm Doing: Admiring the ingenuity of the novel, "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter".

212:
The sun has finally returned from hibernation. It is now doing a stellar job of heating up the air with its steamy breath. Even though it's supposed to rain all weekend, I can't help but feel recharged and energized. It's great to see something besides eternal darkness in the sky. Besides, the flaming sphere took a tough shift to come back on. I mean, lighting the entire globe has got to be exhausting, so I guess it can take a long weekend to recover.

My blue notebook is completely filled with pen ink and pencil lead. I still try and cram a couple words in around the perimeter of sketches and doodles, or spam a sentence into a margin, but it's just not the same. I need clean lines. What I need is a new notebook.

One of my last entries appeared on loose-leaf on March 3rd. Every Wednesday, I co-run a writing club with a young teacher named Mr. Z. We usually get a showing upwards of eight students, and our format revolves around discussion. This can include anything from the Haiti earthquakes to the screaming shrieks of freshmen on the second floor of school. We discuss, then write. And these students are great- they are incredibly insightful. The topic we discussed on the 3rd was the idea of an invisible student. It was intriguing and powerful, mainly due to its relevance within the school. Needless to say, thoughts were flying like molecules in the air.

We produced a rough definition of an "invisible student". Here it is:
1) A student that comes to class and sleeps. He/she feels no need to do work.
2) A student that begs for attention (either physically or verbally).
3) A student that creates a classroom disruption, often with violence.

Google defines "invisible" as: impossible or nearly impossible to see; imperceptible by the eye.

This may seem very vague, and it is. From my personal experience this could mean that 90% of the students in my classes are invisible. But I still think that what is laid out is relevant and provides an ideal talking point. Also, I'm intrigued. I plan to delve deeper to create a specific meaning.

Of all the books I'm currently reading, "Lives on the Boundary" by Mike Rose is the most relevant. The book details Rose's experience in South L.A- first as a student, then the firsthand account as a member of the Teacher Corps. As a TC member, we worked in a rough elementary school. Many of the students he worked with were very poor, and lived in single parent homes (very similar to those I work with). One of the kids that really stood out to him was a 5th grade student named Harold. Harold had been passed through all his classes tentatively- each time being classified with a new learning disability, a new issue that attempted, and eventually did define him. These issues could be illiteracy, they could be failure to recognize words or spell, or properly comprehend a story. When Mike first began working with Harold, he wrote:

"I am lost in the woods. I cannot find my way out. I yell and yell. No one answered me. I climbed a tree then I fell out of the tree and broke my arm." (Rose 120)

Harold was lonely. He was an invisible student. Teachers could "see through [Harold's] behavioral smokescreen to the pain and fear underneath", but they were hindered heavily due to "class load, bureaucratic protocol... and a dozen other factors" that caused a betrayal of instinct (Rose 128). Passed grade to grade, Harold was quickly lost in the shuffle.

He wasn't illiterate though, and he definitely could spell. As Mike continued to work with Harold, he discovered facts about Harold's personal life- how he loved to fish and kick a football. Mike found his true personality and character as "his writing took a dramatic upswing" (Rose 116).

Through an extensive amount of work and dedication to Harold, Mike was able to make an impact. He was able to release Harold from a jail of invisibility and inspire a long lost hidden potential.

In my Algebra 1 class there is a student named Delonte. Delonte emits a gentle aura. The expression on his face is sad yet unaware, fitting the frame of his short, slender body. His eyes are brown and foggy, but shed an overwhelming sensation of kindness. Over the course of my time in the classroom, Delonte has said maybe three or four sentences to me- and this was a struggle (fewer to classmates and teachers). Mr. P, the teacher, has his hands full with what feels like a jungle of volcanic insanity- giving him little time to give attention to a quiet student like Delonte. At the beginning of the year, I worked frequently with him. But as more and more students fell into my workload, it grew impossibly difficult to provide the necessary instruction to Delonte. I used to sit next to him, trying to get him to say things. I would ask what video game he liked, what he did in his spare time, what was his favorite subject, and many other questions. To him, it must have felt like a barrage on his comfort zone. But I didn't understand, and slowly, Delonte drifted away. Delonte is an invisible student.

I would love to do something to show Delonte that I care. That I am there, that he can talk to me, that I can help him, teach him, enable him to pass the class. But I, like the teachers Mike Rose described, am inhibited by my responsibilities. The best I can do is attempt to convince him to stay after school for tutoring, but very few students find the thought of staying in the castle of education longer than needed appealing.

The idea of an invisible student is a problem on a great scale. It doesn't lie only within inner-city schools, but extends to the suburbs, to charters, to catholic schools. And, it goes to show that not even someone in my position (one meant to focus on specific students) can reach everyone. There are still kids that remain invisible. Still kids that float along in a river, content with drowning yet waiting to be rescued

Quotes I've heard in Philly:
1) "You a fuckin' Quaker dog?"
2) "What was she doing with a pink tu-tu and a thong on?"

We are always asked, "What does it take to succeed?" Well, I think that it's a combination of things. The equation [Attitude x Ability = Success] fits. Attitude can be motivation, courage, whatever. Ability can be talent, brains, smarts, or memory. Success can be happiness, money, fame. You get the idea.

A student named Darnell is in a couple of my classes. He's a brilliant kid- picks up on everything in a moments notice. But he is always unprepared, always zoning out, always out of focus. Whenever I ask him why he isn't doing his work (which is quite frequently) he always tells me he doesn't have paper. He doesn't have a pen. He doesn't have a pencil. Is it so hard to bring these writing utensils, or to secure and keep a hold of them? If I used my equation, Darnell would be multiplying by zero.

This scenario is one that my entire team, as well as many other City Year corps members at other schools struggle with. Kids don't bring nor hold on to pens or pencils, and we end up judging each and every new student in the same manner. But that's not right- they shouldn't be judged. Who knows, maybe one day a student will come along with so much pens that he/she can give them out to the entire class!

In the book I just recently finished, "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" by Seth Grahame-Smith (which was incredibly good and surprisingly witty), one of the characters, Henry Sturges, says "Judge us [them] not equally". In the situation Henry is talking about his race, Vampires. But I really took a liking to the quote and I think it can be adapted to almost everything- especially troubled students. As I said above, if there have been previous hardships with a certain kid, one can't judge the next kid to behave the same way.

-TWO-12